Friday, April 19, 2019

Poems old and new, one for me and one that will never rhyme because fuck you that's why

(Reminder- myself and 2 other artists are doing a Twitter giveaway til 5/11, to enter and possibly win all of this amazing art go to - ) )ht

To preface, I want to share the long term goals I made for this year- begin promoting and selling my art after spending the holidays cranking out finished pieces, return to weekly blogging, release my book and get more serious about sharing my poetry.

Recently I started going to a poetry slam and for the first time, read a poem of mine aloud to other humans that I hadn't written shoddily for a high school project. Going to the weekly slams and the poetry workshops been amazing and really helping with my social anxiety. Although, maybe not my back and shoulders if I continue adding more books to my bag.

My book (or chat book, I don't exactly know what it is yet) is poems from 2010-2018, and all but one were written in my usual way, which is to not intend to write a poem but have it suddenly pop into my head, fully written, and I have to scramble for a pen and paper before it's lost forever. 
It's usually in response to my emotions and is a big part of how I deal with things.

After meeting some poets doing the 30 for 30 (what's that? I'm still not 100% certain on the origin but many poets I've met are writing 30 poems in 30 days for the month of April, which is National Poetry Month! Here is a site I found with rules but I'm not sure if it's the one any of the poets I met have been following- I was marveling to my fiance at the idea of being able to sit down and intentionally write a poem, every day.

I think he was already on a roll being proud of me for reading my poem and having encouraged me enough to actually go there, and his belief in me that I clearly don't have spurred him to challenge me to write a poem to share by the next week's slam.


So, I told him it would never happen, and I stewed on it, and put it aside but sort of stewed on it still because that's how my anxiety works. 
And slowly, bits and pieces and ideas started to come to mind but nothing fully formed. I scribbled it down, changing things and taking them out. When I was finished, I looked over the finished poem and it surprised me by not being so terrible. Of course, this made me furious with my fiance.


I let him know of his grievous offense and he grinned like he'd eaten the moon. Jerk.
Seeing as I'd scribbled the poem on the back of a drawing, he also took me to get a new leatherette journal to write my new poems in. Someday I dream of having all my journals and sketchbooks be bound and covered in stickers. I only had these 2 to use, but plan on using any birthday money I get for buying art to get some stickers.

(Having 1 greenpeace sticker does not mean I am fine with their actions in Peru in 2014 but instead does mean that the organization has tons of helpful info on their website about taking sustainable action and if you judge me for a sticker I'll take that as a warning that you're not worth getting to know. I haven't been yet online but got some funny looks in person from people I wonder would rather have no ecological protection groups at all)

I'm always on the hunt for stickers and taking recommendations on Twitter. I came across the witchy stickers from and I'm in love!! I'm going to order a set and show you all as soon as they come in.

This is the poem I wrote! So much wite out, scribbling over, changing things. The scribbled out bit I changed just before reading it aloud actually. That's the part I'd reworked the most, originally using the word "purge" but I didn't want to worry about triggering anyone at the slam, so I took some time and changed it to "evacuate" and then "eliminate", which I liked the raw and gritty feel of.

But looking it over in my head, it seemed too similar to another poem I'd heard recently and even though it wasn't intentionally taken from it, I wanted it to be something that felt 100% natural.

It's pretty messy on paper and if it's hard to make out, here's the full poem typed out- 

This is a poem I wrote on purpose
Which sounds simple, even standard.
But clearly in this way, again, I haven't fit that standard.

I watch, jealous,
and listen to words that sound like
they were written out of interest, or purpose,
not some raw possessive need.

I wish I could write into existence
rosy fingered dawns,
mysteries and histories.
Not shedding unsung words like an upheaval-
A base and primal urge for release.
It's why I'm far from being a writer

Perhaps just the artist I started as,
haunted and directed by some creative spirit
with unfinished business

I joke but I knew her,
you can ask but you really should have seen her.

It's like my struggle to fit in,
in this world, in a body,
when it seems to be the story that
if you don't feel right one wat there might
be some other way that fits you.

But every name and game and suit feels wrong.
Everything I try feels forced and faked unless
I stop trying to be one or the other

and become myself naturally,

And that's the post for this week! Thanks for reading :)

Friday, April 12, 2019

Little life update

Hey everyone! I'm gonna show you all what I've been doing recently. Lots of new paintings and drawings I made for myself, which is rare for me to do. The great part of making things usually is that I can give them away to people I know will be really happy to get them.

Some character sketches of my favorite character from Brion Foulke's webcomic Flipside

Acrylic paintings of Tamako from Tamako Market, Brewster from Animal Crossing and the movie Doubutsu No Mori, and Tsu/Froppy from My Hero Academia

I've also been finishing magnets to sell at craft fairs this summer. 

 Trying to figure out the most cost effective material to fill them with has been a process, so here you can see the latest experiment which is rubber sealant.

So far I've tried-
-clear resin
-craft resin
-rubber sealant

Two of my magnets and a handmade teal choker (pictured below) are being given away in a month-long giveaway on my twitter. To check out the rules and enter-

There was also a low point, some secondhand shoes I'd ordered to replace my 10 year old converse for my birthday got stolen right from my door. If you understand depression/anxiety/CPTSD at all or even just have compassion for someone who's had their only birthday presents stolen for two years in a row, you'll understand how derailing something like that can be. 
It felt miserable, wondering if I'd still be safe to order supplies to send out art if I can't trust that things will be delivered safely. Wondering why someone would steal used, $20 shoes from someone that bought them for their own birthday with disability money. Wondering why someone wouldn't think about things like that before just stealing something.

If you have an answer, please tell me.

I also finished a bunch of chokers. I mean, a LOT. at least a dozen. I'm still building a supply to sell at art fairs with my magnets and (long shot) hopefully some paintings.


I've also started going to poetry events, and read for the first time this week (and from my book, too!) That was terrifying, but it was an awesome experience participating and getting to judge in the slam.

Spring is here! Well, kind of. I'm looking forward to warmer weather and real Spring but also not sure if I'm ready for the too-hot weather and having to shave half my head again, my undercut is grown out and fluffy and I feel cute!

I played around with makeup when getting myself ready for the poetry slam, so you can see me showing off my not-so-skilled makeup skillz here with an eyeliner star and a gel peel (that went horribly, made my lips bleed, and transferred ZERO color to my lips. RIP)

That's been my week! I hope yours went well. 

Thursday, April 4, 2019

Anime fanart & a contest!

This week, I took a break from fluid art and chokers, and made some small paintings of a few characters from my favorite anime series.  I'm running a contest to give away a custom painting like this of any anime character, so keep reading to find out how to win!

Most of the time when I make art, I make it either for someone as a gift or with the intention of selling it to a home in the future. I don't usually keep things and make things for myself, because it's not what drives me and also I have trouble feeling worth spending money & supplies on.

I started out just doing one for a birthday box I've been putting together for a dear friend. I'm at that stage where there's still over a month til her birthday, and I can't stop adding more things but I don't even know if the box will be light enough to ship flat rate, lol! Everything in there is a surprise, so I can't post any of it here yet. After doing one I just really wanted to make a set for myself!!

I knew I wanted to do them on a nice, pastel colored and textured looking background so I used a cut piece of sponge to dab on a mix of teal and white paint in the areas I'd marked out.

Next I sketched out and traced in ink the outlines of the characters I wanted to paint.

On the left is Tamako from Tamako Market, a slice of life anime that I adore and which gives me genuine feels.

On the right is Tsu/Froppy from My Hero Academia, a superhero anime that also gives me genuine, undeniable feels.

I took my time filling in the colored parts, as for most of the colors I had to mix my own shade, wait for it to dry, paint another layer, and then wipe that out of my mixing tray and start on another shade.

After doing those, I started thinking of what other characters I would want to have paintings of hung up in my place, and I thought of doing a collage of a character from one of my favorite webcomics ever. I spent the course of a day drawing it, and after posting my initial first sketches I thought the idea of revealing progress pics until the character was guessed would be a fun contest idea, so I began a contest on my Twitter page to give away a character painting like the one above to anyone who could guess which character was being drawn. It's still active, and every day I'm adding another picture of the progress along with hints about the character and the comic they're from. There are only a few more so it'll be finished Sunday or Monday, if you think you know!

The contest thread is pinned to the top of my Twitter profile, and these are the updates posted so far. If you're a webcomic fan and you think you know who it is, leave a comment on the Twitter thread or email me your guess!

The hints so far have been-
1: Upside Down- Jack Johnson
2. This character was introduced in 2010

3. A white-headed whale with a wrinkled brow and a crooked jaw

And that's been my week! Yesterday (Thursday), I went to a poetry event and spent most of the day putting together and editing this post. I hope you enjoyed reading it and seeing the things I've been making. Thanks for reading!